*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
ready to be harvested
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*