Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
When they try to steal your moment.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.