Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This dude got his own movie?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
#milo
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.