*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
A choir of Spring onions