*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.