Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Guys, I found it.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”