When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.