I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.