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beware of dog
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
This could’ve been an email.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
The answer is funnier than the question
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*