When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names