Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start