My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
me linking you to my twitter
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.