Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.