My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted