Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.