No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Well, this certainly took a turn
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]