I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?