[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
R.I.P.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house