Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
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SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Okay, I’m still confused…
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.