8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade