me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
this is funnier than any friends episode
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.