I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
i’m still crying at this
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Oceanography is all about current events
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.