I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
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I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade