INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP