glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb