[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
kevin is now a local weatherman
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.