[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I did not eat the cake…
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Extremely relatable.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink