Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus