When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Thanks to a fan for this one.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
O Wise One….
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two