I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Lol.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
craving $300 all of a sudden
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Butt weight. There’s more!
Need WebMD
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.