Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Life hack
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Strangers have the best candy.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart