Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Always…
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
The news in a nutshell.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“i am a sweet baby”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer