My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*