love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Coffee for people with no kids
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.