Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
You Might Also Like
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster