I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
This is hilarious….
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”