Meanwhile in Portland…
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup