Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
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Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
i meant to share this earlier
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Anime is real
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.