me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.