To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine