“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up