Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
This is what makes twitter great
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.