What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Good morning, Twitter x
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Looking at you, Jesus.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.