Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise