I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me when my alarm goes off
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.