[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Was it something I said?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.