Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.