I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
absolutely not
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed