*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
This fish is cracking me up
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.