“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful